I know stoners and I love stoners. You guys are usually alright. USUALLY.
But, sometimes, I meet that one stoner that just ruins it for everyone else. I don’t mean the guy who doesn’t share his weed, or the one that ate all your brownies, I mean the ones that give stoners a really bad name to all the people who DON’T smoke.
So, in honor of your strange holiday, here is a list of things NOT to do as a stoner. I like to call it my “Pot Peeves.”
1. Don’t laugh at me and then insult me because you are too high.
You just smoked WAY more than you should have, and you know it. You can’t even remember how you got to class. Did you drive? Did you fly? Have you finally learned to teleport? You can’t focus and can’t really see, so when we have to work in pairs in class, and I ask you question related to what we are studying, DO NOT LAUGH AT ME BECAUSE YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND ME.
I know you are high, I could smell it from across the class, and I know I shouldn’t ask you anything, but I have to because the teacher is watching us and I don’t want either of us to fail. So I ask you a question like “did you like the text?”, hoping you will be able to say something to me so that it LOOKS like we are doing our assignment, but NO, you just LAUGH and then tell me to “chill out man” or say “you are so crazy, bro, I don’t even GET you.” I was trying to help you, but now I just hope you will drop your favorite glass bong on a tile floor.
2. Don’t try to “sneak” me pot.
I don’t smoke. I have CHOSEN not to. I don’t mind that you do, in fact I think it’s kinda cool that it helps you and makes you happy. It’s just not for me. You need to understand this and respect it. I may seem high strung or upset to you, but your solutions are not the same as mine. You think that if I would just chill out and smoke with you I would be so much happier. Since you can’t force me to smoke and I leave when you try to hotbox me in your bathroom, you decide to be TRICKY.
One day you invite me over and offer me tea. I am thinking, “Sure, earl grey or a good strong black tea would be really nice this afternoon, I could use a pick me up.” You bring me weed-tea. At first I don’t know it’s weed-tea, I just know it smells really bad and I don’t want to drink it. Then I see you smile and realize you are trying to TRICK ME INTO CONSUMING POT.
This is rude in so many ways. What if I don’t smoke because I am allergic? What if I am taking a medication that would react negatively with marijuana? What if it doesn’t “chill me out” but instead makes me barf for days because it was too much or too strong? What if I tried to “sneak” you anti-psychotics in your food?
3. You have not reached Enlightenment.
There is like, only ONE person who ever really reached enlightenment and he became a religious leader HUNDREDS of years ago. Do you have several countries worth of followers? Is China trying to kill you? Do they sell little figurines of you in every knickknack store? Is you image recognizable all over the world?
No, so stop telling me about how you reached enlightenment and how you think I should too. Enlightenment doesn’t work like, and you aren’t at an elevated level of being, you are just really high.
4. For the Love of God, please DO NOT STOP SHOWERING.
There comes a point in many stoner’s lives where they think that bathing takes too much time and wastes too much water. It separates them from the EARTH and is something society has forced us to think we need to do. So you decide to stop shaving, stop bathing, and stop wearing deodorant. You decide to embrace your true nature and your true odors. The smell of weed will cover it all up anyway, right?
No, it really doesn’t cover anything. It doesn’t mask it, it doesn’t help it, and it just adds this acrid, urine smell to your already disgusting stench. Now you are dirty, your hair is matted, your flannel shirt has mustard stains and no one wants to hang out with you anymore. It’s no longer just the paranoia from smoking; the police are actually following you because you look like a danger to society.
5. Don’t just light up anywhere.
I know you have “your card.” I know you have a “valid medical condition” that you should be allowed to medicate whenever you need to. I know the pot helps relieve your pain, and that is important, but sometimes, the tiniest bit of discretion is just polite.
Heroin addicts don’t just shoot up in the grocery store, alcoholics don’t just pull out a bottle at work or at their kid’s school play. Remember how your medication is still ILLEGAL? You might not want to flaunt it at people. I don’t mind you smoking in your car, or your house, but when we are out shopping and you just light up, right there, with everyone around? All those bitchy moms with their bratty little kids? They will call the cops and they will yell at you AND ME, the bystander who isn’t doing anything wrong.
6. Please ask before you smoke in my room.
I don’t want my whole room to smell like your skunky cat-piss weed. I am already upset that you let yourself in and sat on my pillow, even though you gave up showering 3 weeks ago. I am going to have to burn it now, and spray lysol all over my bed and the parts of the walls you might have touched. Please don’t ruin anymore of my stuff without even acknowledging that it is MY stuff and you need permission to taint it.
7. You are not homeless, stop panhandling.
You are really hungry, but low on cash because weed takes up most of your income. Your mom put a lock on the fridge so you can’t eat her food anymore late at night. You are really hungry. So you walk your dirty, smelly self to the corner by the target and ask people for money. You find a bit of cardboard and write “anything helps” on it. You sit in the shade with your neighbor’s dog that you took from their yard and pretend to be homeless so people will give you money for a burrito.
After you get that burrito you will go home, sleep in your bed, talk to your family, and have the option of taking a shower. Do you know how many people have NONE of these things? So many. So so many. Please don’t degrade them and insult them by pretending you are just like them.
8. Don’t just linger in the cafeteria.
You are too high to function, AGAIN. You are past the point of laughing at me, past the point of being able to form any words to tell me about enlightenment. SOMEHOW you made it to the cafeteria for food. The urge to snack must have worked like some natural instinct, pulling you in the right direction. You got in, got you plate, now you need to get food on it. BUT YOU CAN’T DECIDE. Because you can’t actually think. You just stand there, in the cafeteria, staring and drooling.
This is so creepy. There are no words for how creepy this is. This is watching-elementary-school-kids-from-your-van creepy. You are staring at the food I am about to eat and just BREATHING. It’s worse than when I cosplayed the TARDIS at ComicCon. At least then I brought it upon myself, here I just wanted dinner, and now my food is in danger from your mouth-breathing-beard-face.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I just finished college with my B.A. in English, or as everyone knows it, my B.S. in English. Badum ching.
So I spent the past few years eating college food and paying the price for it. I KNOW college food. So here is my overview on college food for all the freshies out there:
1. Instant Ramen: Costs about 10 cents, takes 5 minutes to make, 5 minutes to eat but you may never poop again. Turns out the human body was not meant to process play-doh noodles.
2. Pizza: Costs you about $15 but will last at least 2 days. Makes a wonderful breakfast and seems to have magical hangover-curing abilities. Your face will eventually start to look like the pizza surface with cheesy, meaty chunks dripping down it, but if you get it with olives or mushrooms this might be the closest thing to a balanced meal you will ever get.
3. Bud Light: You might as well give a baby money to piss in your mouth. I don't know why there was always a CASE of it in the fridge, but my roommates must have liked the taste of human urine.
4. Coffee: no one likes the taste of coffee. No one like the way coffee makes you feel. No one really likes coffee at all. But you still have to drink it and pretend you know stuff about it for the rest of the university to respect you. You will secretly drink instant coffee at home because it's cheap and you are depressed about your life, but when you go out you will order the fanciest one you can find, pay too much for it, and gag a little with every sip you take.
5. Jello Shots: These will be your main source of nutrients when you run out of pizza money. They are easy to throw up and a little fun because of the colors, but are rarely made correctly. They either come out too watery with no jello flavor, or too thick with all the jello powder coagulated at the bottom so you have to use your teeth to try to scrape it out.
6. Corn Dogs: Your roommate will buy a Costco industrial sized box of these and try to shove them in your tiny freezer. She will eat something like 6 a day for a week and then accuse you of stealing them and eating them. You will start to laugh because the idea of stealing her corndogs is eerily similar to the idea of stealing a dead seal from a shaved bear, and this will ruin your whole relationship for the rest of the year. She will never make eye contact with you again.
7. Grocery Store Pre-made Salad: You will buy this after all that pizza and ramen thinking that a salad will be a great idea and will make up for all that play-doh and cheese, but once you get it home and open the lid all you can manage to do is stare at the soggy lettuce and damp corn chunks like they are parts of some monster waiting to bite you. The corn nuggets becomes evil pupils in its salad eyes and you have to put the lid back on and hide it in the back of the fridge, behind the Bud Light, ashamed of the monster you unleashed upon the world.
8. Ice: They say chewing ice is a sign of sexual frustration, so why are you doing it when you have 3 friends-with-benefits that you see regularly? Are they not enough? Surely you can't be that sex-crazed? Maybe they aren't doing it for you anymore? Then who would? Should you try another lady? Could you do the lesbian thing? How much plaid do you own? Are you willing to cut your hair off? That girl in your history class is really pretty and probably has soft hands considering how much lotion she puts on... Ice will make you question your sexuality. It's bound to happen, don't fight it.
So I spent the past few years eating college food and paying the price for it. I KNOW college food. So here is my overview on college food for all the freshies out there:
1. Instant Ramen: Costs about 10 cents, takes 5 minutes to make, 5 minutes to eat but you may never poop again. Turns out the human body was not meant to process play-doh noodles.
2. Pizza: Costs you about $15 but will last at least 2 days. Makes a wonderful breakfast and seems to have magical hangover-curing abilities. Your face will eventually start to look like the pizza surface with cheesy, meaty chunks dripping down it, but if you get it with olives or mushrooms this might be the closest thing to a balanced meal you will ever get.
3. Bud Light: You might as well give a baby money to piss in your mouth. I don't know why there was always a CASE of it in the fridge, but my roommates must have liked the taste of human urine.
4. Coffee: no one likes the taste of coffee. No one like the way coffee makes you feel. No one really likes coffee at all. But you still have to drink it and pretend you know stuff about it for the rest of the university to respect you. You will secretly drink instant coffee at home because it's cheap and you are depressed about your life, but when you go out you will order the fanciest one you can find, pay too much for it, and gag a little with every sip you take.
5. Jello Shots: These will be your main source of nutrients when you run out of pizza money. They are easy to throw up and a little fun because of the colors, but are rarely made correctly. They either come out too watery with no jello flavor, or too thick with all the jello powder coagulated at the bottom so you have to use your teeth to try to scrape it out.
6. Corn Dogs: Your roommate will buy a Costco industrial sized box of these and try to shove them in your tiny freezer. She will eat something like 6 a day for a week and then accuse you of stealing them and eating them. You will start to laugh because the idea of stealing her corndogs is eerily similar to the idea of stealing a dead seal from a shaved bear, and this will ruin your whole relationship for the rest of the year. She will never make eye contact with you again.
7. Grocery Store Pre-made Salad: You will buy this after all that pizza and ramen thinking that a salad will be a great idea and will make up for all that play-doh and cheese, but once you get it home and open the lid all you can manage to do is stare at the soggy lettuce and damp corn chunks like they are parts of some monster waiting to bite you. The corn nuggets becomes evil pupils in its salad eyes and you have to put the lid back on and hide it in the back of the fridge, behind the Bud Light, ashamed of the monster you unleashed upon the world.
8. Ice: They say chewing ice is a sign of sexual frustration, so why are you doing it when you have 3 friends-with-benefits that you see regularly? Are they not enough? Surely you can't be that sex-crazed? Maybe they aren't doing it for you anymore? Then who would? Should you try another lady? Could you do the lesbian thing? How much plaid do you own? Are you willing to cut your hair off? That girl in your history class is really pretty and probably has soft hands considering how much lotion she puts on... Ice will make you question your sexuality. It's bound to happen, don't fight it.
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